Mind Astray

This poem is about living with schizophrenia.

Fragments of life has gone.
My saturated mind is on the combines of retribution,
no cure or natural solution;
Observe myself in feeble prostration of any prior peril needed
to overcome to live a normal seed, not yet defeating
the prolonging threat of agony.
Schizophrenia continues to hammer at me,
like two hearts on the Virge of attack,
with awe, if the end is approaching fast.

"Enter beast once never sought,
as hopes in me grieve heaven not".

Ponder if I can persevere without feeling full forces of psychosis
splitting functioning portions of my brain.
Time is not over for me.
I can still lose my mind completely.
I pray not though the weight of the world balances on my shoulders.

"Mind astray clue me in as when,
if or if not the devil is closing in".

Desolation has already invaded the innocence of my vanity,
filling my mind with obsessive profanity.
"Possessed by fear of the other in me,
normality I can no longer hear or see".
In solitude I stay!

Isolation from society involves fear of fear
overtaking my thoughts, as if I am gazing directly into a mirror.
"I withhold my space through imaginary fear,
anyone incoming begins my flight of tears".

Unheard voices proceed to build with profound anxiety.
Centered deep in the limbic system,
they magnify with untamed affect, waiting to penetrate my head.
Even though they have not yet taken control of my thinking,
I fear that tomorrow I may be dead.
I think about what use to be.
I intoxicate myself to ease any further pain,
seizing creatures that pound on me
while attempting to shed grace in God's name.

"Torment awaits to bleed for real,
as I feel the influence of a mental shield".

I am beginning to foresee the future.
Hallucinations try to obliterate what's left of reality
into strange features never before seen by human eyes;
"Touch me with anything"!
"Grip me with something"!
"Tap me with nothing"!
I will feel a strength extremely unreal.

"Evil out-wits actual existence,
through the ears, on the skin, in the visual distance".

Struggling for dear life, normality of nostalgic sights
which I once functionally contained, become more and more
that of images of underground spirits sweeping through
the symbolism of my dreams.

"Abused by all sorts of words in the wind,
abruptly scarce shadows emerge from within".

I appeal to you screaming from the top of my lungs
when social objects step forth through my space,
purely a bludgeoned burial for faith!
observe my body.
It is floating!
It is drifting!
There are no thoughts that appear authentic.

"Anything within my fantasies are mine,
here my talents noticeably shine.
If you corrupt my still training of thought in deceiving ways,
I will yell for your hell until you regretfully obey".

"No,no,no"! "Somebody help me"! "Hurry... rescue me"! "Let me live"!
"Where did they go"? "Are they above me"? "Are they behind me"?
"Are they in front of me"? "Every body's after me"!
"They are coming from all walks of life, from various directions",
as delusional persecution causes me to look through the eyes of others
in betrayal of myself.

                                       "FRIGHTENING"!
                                       "SELF-HYPNOTIZING"!

Unbelievable, unforgettable, undeniably set aside from attack, I am Peter Pan
ruling the world; leader of the pack, and my girlfriend is Wendy.
Endeavor to refrain me. No one can! I am hero to the young, superior to the old;
the only one who can save you from violent misconduct. Delusions of grandeur
beckon all life's taste of precision and materiality in my blood.
                                       "GRATIFYING"!
                                       "MYSTIFYING"!
To far over my head to pull myself together. The speculation sustains on.

"Spiritual war of right and wrong,
obtained from the trepidation I carry on".

Schizophrenia, world of dementia,
common worry for some, liberty abandoned.
He had his goals, he had his ambitions, he had his friends
and much more;
                                    "LIGHTNING STRIKES"!
                                    "FEUDAL BITES"!
Infliction of curses demonizes anguish from the soul.
As the blissful planet calgonizes eternally,
hence from myself I see it go.

Paul Hickey
11-19-11