I See, I See

This poem is about all the things in my life which has lead me to being part of the mental health system. It includes friendships that really weren't friendships "Witch's Son", relationships gone wrong "The Phantom", loneliness from being ostracized from the "In-Crowd" for not doing whatever the "In-Crowd" wanted me to do, and suicide attempts in the earlier parts of my life which almost lead to death "Bring me a hammer, my face is red, hit me until I can't breathe again". These attempts would leave me hospitalized in intensive care for weeks with a security guard positioned outside my hospital room to make sure I didn't try anything drastic "The sound of funeral music tuned in my head", not to mention two years of my life that I live in a hospital setting as well as a state hospital.

"I see", "I see", a little war
that brought me to a psycho-ward.
"I see", "I see", those little thoughts
that hung me down for tears to drop.
I release my agony everywhere,
but miss the brain that brings despair.

"I see", "I see", a puzzle piece,
these thought have got me on a leash.
"I see", "I see", a witch's son,
the spell on me is all or none.
Bring me a well to wish a sum,
the sound I hear are the sound of guns.

"I see", "I see", me in my head,
I wonder why the living is dead.
"I hear", "I hear", a sound in my bed,
vibrations of funeral music tuned in my head.
Bring me a hammer, my face is red,
hit me until I can't breathe again.

"I see", "I see", my thoughts are lost,
split me open, the future is shot.
"I see", "I see", the two that rise,
a phantom and a voice of sigh.
Death it seems afar and near,
the phantom brings me phantom tears.

"I see", "I see", little too much,
to what my heart has little to touch.
"I see", "I see", a silent goodbye,
remember of the brain to die.
Can't picture me in tomorrow's scene,
no beauty my heart bring forth to me.

Paul Hickey
11-25-11