The Finish Line

This poem is about chasing a dream and stopping short of accomplishing the goal of reaching that dream. After falling short of the dream, taking the time to improve yourself personally so that you can reach your goals.

I remember the first time I plunged deep into depth,
I didn't feel anxious until I started the test.
I'm chasing a dream, what if it doesn't come true?
If I fail one more time, what will I do?
It's a race for the finish line, I've stalled in my tracks,
after coming all this way, there's no turning back.
A small little cubical, my picture on the screen,
and the bold patterned faces made me wanna scream.
On the monitor were these images, none I could see,
words shaped like monsters, what really could they be?
I read the tutorial, went straight for the start,
When the first question flashed there was fear in my heart.
It was big, it was blinding, my head start to hurt,
and out the corner of my eyes a proctor would lurk.

"I did not go to work, I did not go to school,
I did not socialize with anyone I thought was a fool".

I had a funny feeling and it didn't feel good,
as I tried to weave confidence in spite of my moods.
It felt like evil-doing projecting failure through my eyes,
as lodged in my brain were damaging thoughts of demise.
I tried to ignore this grave of descent;
in the end it took refuge, my head heavy like cement.
The more I would think, the more tired I would become,
Finally, I gave in and the devil had won.
I attempted to vanish the negative thoughts in my head,
but half way through the test my confidence was dead.
My head went all blank with neurotic despair,
if my eyes had hands, they would have been pulling out my hair.
Whispers in the distance only finalized my fate,
when I found I was behind, there wasn't any break.
I had to move forward and finish the test,
although I new prior, I had gasped my last breath.

"I did not go to work, I did not go to school,
I did not socialize with anyone I thought was a fool".

In the end there was no finish, only urges to sprint and hide,
am I the only one to blunder, not finish at the finish line.
My eyes grew lethargic, my brain power faint,
I new I was doomed for I just couldn't think.
My face started perspiring, hands covered in sweat,
my heart began pounding, dropping like lead.
My heart beat was rapid, my body was still,
the bones in my back grew cold to the chill.

"I did not go to work, I did not go to school,
I did not socialize with anyone I thought was a fool".

Under protest I signed up to run another time,
stepped outside, got into my car, and my brain began to cry.
As I entered the freeway,  mind flooded, my chest began to flutter,
overwhelmed with emotion, I could not drive, I pulled into the gutter.
My chest still throbbing, brain still weeping, whole body trembling with strife,
I sat hunched over, ready to vomit, in position to flail and die.
I grabbed my phone to make a call, something stopped my urge,
hearing her voice would punish me more, anger would again emerge.
I continued to sit in silence with my head in my palms,
moping over what could have been, becoming like a bomb.
My face drooping downward saddened, reflecting my inner pain,
wondering, what can I do to help restore my pride again?

"I did not go to work, I did not go to school,
I did not socialize with anyone I thought was a fool".

Grievance past, I now look back, to ponder unsuccessful strides,
making plans for an alternate outcome without closing my eyes.
"Oh what can I do? What can I do? What can I do to make it all go through"?

I need to take good care of myself both in and out of body,
maybe I'll see a doctor or two to free me from being naughty.
I need to seek much needed help to cure the pain in my head,
I need someone who can prescribe to me anti-anxiety meds.
I need to increase my fitness until sweat perseveres into puddles,
I need more food and sleep to keep me from seeing doubles.
I need to be tested for my burden to learn, keep alive my self-worth,
I need to wear glasses to help me feel awake and alert.
I need the extra time to think, test me more and more,
to improve my ability to comprehend, receive a better score.
All and all may be enough, next time I shall pass the test,
If I don't you can thoroughly bend and kiss my big white ass.
If I do I won't think any less of you, hold you close to my heart,
thank you for all the support you have given from the very start.

"Then I would go to work, then I would go to school,
then I would socialize with everyone no matter who's the fool".

My eyes opened wide, my brain power restored,
it's all over now, no need to think anymore.
My face braised with smiles, hands clenched like a winner,
my heart stops pounding, rising with a glorious shimmer.
My heart beat is normal, my body is still,
the bones in my back warm up from the chill.
I now believe there is a finish, sun shines beyond the hills,
although there are obstacles to overcome, I am now feeling the will,
and all I have to do is conquer the slopes,
finish at the finish line.

"Then I would go to work, then I would go to school,
then I would socialize with everyone no matter who's the fool".

Paul Hickey
12-6-11